alan abel vs. AT&T

I've come to the realization that my dad's performance never ends and he's "in" character more often than he's not. The following should be prefaced with the fact that we all face indignities in life, especially in the age of automation and monopolized corporate control. But my father seems to vent his frustrations in interesting ways...he emailed this to me recently:

IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM AT&T

If line is busy, please hang up and try again. If line is still busy, hang up and try again. Should line continue to be busy, hang up and press REDIAL. If you hear a busy signal, hang up and wait for five minutes. Then dial again. When you hear the rapid buzz of a busy signal, you’ll know that the line is still busy. Wait another five minutes, hold your breath and quickly dial again. You might get lucky and reach a recorded message. Or perhaps a request: Please don’t hang up. We value your call and want to service you (remember, some of our trained specialists like to give our premium services to you up the ass). You are now number 197 on the waiting list. If you hang up you will lose your place. Please be patient because we truly love our customers. Even if you defect to Verizon or one of those other carpetbagger companies, we will try to seduce you into coming back to us. There are gifts waiting for you, disgruntled customer. For example, we have 100,000 toasters from recently failed banking institutions FREE to you. Also, one-million plastic coffee cups from Bear Sterns (only two to a customer) and 50,000 electric blankets we bought from Good Will that they refused to handle (their insurance doesn’t cover lawsuits; so for God’s sake don’t have a nocturnal emission under one of them). Are you still on the line, dear customer? If so, call again and keep trying, keep trying, keep trying, keep trying (that’s a subliminal message dummy). On second thought, why don’t you try us during our lowest level of incoming calls between the hours of l:00 am and 6:00 am. But keep in mind that our office hours are 8:00 am to 6:00 pm EST. Don’t despair. If you don’t mind waiting for two or three hours, we’ll play music to soothe the savage beast on hold. Yes, spendthrift customer, you may use profanity. We understand your frustrations but we really cherish your business more. Our rates might be sneaking upward by a few pennies per account monthly, but you won’t know it for awhile. And this does ease the pain when you’re being screwed. Voila! You have reached a recorded representative in our customer service lounge. Yes, our employees may work for peanuts but they are treated like real people, not recordings. So there! If you’re still with us, please press 1 if you speak English; press 2 if you prefer Spanish, French, Italian, Hebrew, Portuguese, Creole, Romanian, Farsi or Latin. Our international operators are standing by and will handle your crisis in the order that customers are waiting on line. You would be number 937 and we estimate 13 hours for you to be heard. If you wish to nap, eat, do laundry, wash dishes, take a walk or even have sex, we’ll be happy to call you back for an additional charge of $17.50 added to your bill. Press 3 if you would like to hear some music while you wait impatiently. Otherwise, press 4 to learn of our new deals that can cost you more money but make you feel powerful because you have it all! We’re talking about call waiting, call forwarding, call interruption, call answering, call recording and call “up yours” for responding to telemarketers. Also video-phone that will allow you to be seen and to see your caller. Imagine the excitement if you catch your Aunt in the nude. Or Uncle Fred masturbating! Wow, where are the cops when you want them. Hahaha, that was a joke, customers. We like to have a little fun once in awhile. Oh yes, almost forgot. Press 5 if you would like to give up your place on line to the person behind you, also waiting impatiently. It’s a small gesture, customer, but if you do this, call again when you’re in the mood to be played with and be sure to have a nice day. Watch your road rage!

A.T.&T has what it takes, to take what you’ve got. That’s why we love our customers.

virtually fund-raising

Now that From Here to Awesome (see post below) is in full swing, our movie can be streamed or downloaded at IndieFlix, Caachi, Heretic and B-side. More outlets will be added over the coming months. Please stay tuned to our FHTA page.

The cool thing about the fest is that we've worked out a favorable profit split with all of the partner outlets. So not only are we reaching a wider audience via this virtual festival, we're also sharing the returns. A filmmaker actually earning revenue directly in a festival situation is a rarity!

While we continue to market and promote ABEL RAISES CAIN, I'm asking everyone to please help us fund-raise for our next project. All you have to do is click on the image below and sign up for an OurStage account. We receive $4.00 for every person who joins! It sounds crazy, yes. But it's not a hoax, I promise. There are no obligations, you can un-tick the 'receive newsletter' box in the sign-up area if you'd like. And you don't have to do anything other than register!


Thanks to everyone in advance for your help. Our goal is $2,000.00 and so far we're at $4.00. So we definitely need all of the help we can get!

the abels are not finished yet...

While all of Hollywood is scurrying around like a bunch of headless chickens, worrying about the sky falling and the gloomy fate of independent film, especially documentaries, Jeff and I have been calmly jogging along with our movie at a slow yet steady pace, ignoring the chaos around us. And it's finally paying off!


We just found out that ABEL RAISES CAIN made it into the FROM HERE TO AWESOME showcase! We were one of the top 12 features and 10 shorts programmed based on audience demand. Variety announced the news this week: (Thompson on Hollywood). So THANKS to everyone out there who voted for us! We are really excited about this unique opportunity. It is exactly the push we need to get the film out to as wide an audience as possible AND we're really looking forward to seeing where this unprecedented experiment leads us. Please stay tuned...

Also, if there are any LA folks out there who are interested in funding, creating, distributing and sustaining yourselves as filmmakers in these shifting times, please come to DIY days next week. JOIN THE REVOLUTION!

DIY DAYS | fund :: create :: distribute :: sustain
July 26th 9:30am to 7:30pm
Under Spring, 1745 North Spring #4, Los Angeles, CA 90012
For further info, please visit:
http://diydays.com/

from prankster to daughter

If there was ever living proof of a weird dad, this is it. Here is a response from my father after receiving our friend request on Facebook...

"I really don't need any new friends. Nor do I want them. A day doesn't go by that someone, somehow, found me and wants to be my friend. One nerd from college days suggested we have dinner. He still has snot dripping from his hairy nose!!! Why would I want to have dinner with this shit-head, except maybe to throw up on him. But that's not my style either. So I'm going to ignore him. I'll try to behave with Jenny and Jeff as friends. But don't expect any special favors. And don't visit me if you value your lives. I have two pit bulls at the ready, an electrified fence and sink holes all over the property. Other than that you're welcome to drop by any day during August. I'll be in Europe that month. Help yourselves to the stale bagels and sour swordfish. The key is under the mat. No hot water or electricity (forgot to pay the bills) but you'll find a way to cope. If not, please take me off your list. Thanks. AA"

I received this letter from him in the mail...

"Dear Jenny, here I am writing you by snail mail, and on Father's Day. Oh well, I might NOT be your father - so your mom informed me the other day. Now it's a guessing game. Could it be that handsome man at the city dump who always helps with our garbage? He does have a bedroom glint in his eyes. Or maybe Buck Henry, who mom has had a crush on for 46 years? You do have his sense of humor. Oh well, let it pass. I'll continue to pretend to be your real father. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Love and kisses, Dad."

I definitely have my dad's eyes, so the garbage man is out of the question. But I did start thinking about Buck and my mom. I dug through my archive of old snapshots and found this photo. They do seem to be frolicking...and up to something. But it couldn't have been too serious since, presumably, it was my dad taking the photo.

My father and his aliases have mailed off some crazy stuff to me over the years. I have saved every single note, drawing, card, letter, court document, editorial and article he has ever sent. It's not a pack-rat thing, although my family has been known to hoard. It's not mere sentimentality. I just happen to think my dad is pretty fucking funny. The microphone and spotlight are always on, even when he's writing a letter. Or appearing in public. My dad claims he just happened to be wearing this T-shirt to a recent screening of Tim Jackson's Radical Jesters (Photo taken by Maureen and Dennis Jackson).

the reviews are coming, the reviews are coming

When I tell people that we're self-distributing, their response is similar to that of expressing condolences or acting as if we were just diagnosed with leprosy. The idea of filmmakers taking control of their creative work is not unprecedented. However, straying from the norm and exploring alternative paths to distribute a film is still pretty strange to some folks. Well, in the spirit of my dad, we're going against the grain. We didn't play by the rules when we were making the documentary, so why should we start playing by the rules at this stage of the game?

The DVD is still getting additional mentions and positive reviews that we're pretty excited about...you can click on the logos to skim, peruse or read in depth some of the coverage: