Tuesday, September 30, 2008

alan abel vs. AT&T

I've come to the realization that my dad's performance never ends and he's "in" character more often than he's not. The following should be prefaced with the fact that we all face indignities in life, especially in the age of automation and monopolized corporate control. But my father seems to vent his frustrations in interesting ways...he emailed this to me recently:


If line is busy, please hang up and try again. If line is still busy, hang up and try again. Should line continue to be busy, hang up and press REDIAL. If you hear a busy signal, hang up and wait for five minutes. Then dial again. When you hear the rapid buzz of a busy signal, you’ll know that the line is still busy. Wait another five minutes, hold your breath and quickly dial again. You might get lucky and reach a recorded message. Or perhaps a request: Please don’t hang up. We value your call and want to service you (remember, some of our trained specialists like to give our premium services to you up the ass). You are now number 197 on the waiting list. If you hang up you will lose your place. Please be patient because we truly love our customers. Even if you defect to Verizon or one of those other carpetbagger companies, we will try to seduce you into coming back to us. There are gifts waiting for you, disgruntled customer. For example, we have 100,000 toasters from recently failed banking institutions FREE to you. Also, one-million plastic coffee cups from Bear Sterns (only two to a customer) and 50,000 electric blankets we bought from Good Will that they refused to handle (their insurance doesn’t cover lawsuits; so for God’s sake don’t have a nocturnal emission under one of them). Are you still on the line, dear customer? If so, call again and keep trying, keep trying, keep trying, keep trying (that’s a subliminal message dummy). On second thought, why don’t you try us during our lowest level of incoming calls between the hours of l:00 am and 6:00 am. But keep in mind that our office hours are 8:00 am to 6:00 pm EST. Don’t despair. If you don’t mind waiting for two or three hours, we’ll play music to soothe the savage beast on hold. Yes, spendthrift customer, you may use profanity. We understand your frustrations but we really cherish your business more. Our rates might be sneaking upward by a few pennies per account monthly, but you won’t know it for awhile. And this does ease the pain when you’re being screwed. Voila! You have reached a recorded representative in our customer service lounge. Yes, our employees may work for peanuts but they are treated like real people, not recordings. So there! If you’re still with us, please press 1 if you speak English; press 2 if you prefer Spanish, French, Italian, Hebrew, Portuguese, Creole, Romanian, Farsi or Latin. Our international operators are standing by and will handle your crisis in the order that customers are waiting on line. You would be number 937 and we estimate 13 hours for you to be heard. If you wish to nap, eat, do laundry, wash dishes, take a walk or even have sex, we’ll be happy to call you back for an additional charge of $17.50 added to your bill. Press 3 if you would like to hear some music while you wait impatiently. Otherwise, press 4 to learn of our new deals that can cost you more money but make you feel powerful because you have it all! We’re talking about call waiting, call forwarding, call interruption, call answering, call recording and call “up yours” for responding to telemarketers. Also video-phone that will allow you to be seen and to see your caller. Imagine the excitement if you catch your Aunt in the nude. Or Uncle Fred masturbating! Wow, where are the cops when you want them. Hahaha, that was a joke, customers. We like to have a little fun once in awhile. Oh yes, almost forgot. Press 5 if you would like to give up your place on line to the person behind you, also waiting impatiently. It’s a small gesture, customer, but if you do this, call again when you’re in the mood to be played with and be sure to have a nice day. Watch your road rage!

A.T.&T has what it takes, to take what you’ve got. That’s why we love our customers.